In the Sunday New York Times, Maureen Dowd reverently cites the wisdom of an 80 year-old priest, presumably a celibate guy and maybe even a virgin, concerning what women ought to look for in a mate. How does this guy get to be an expert of what women should look for or, more accurately, watch out for, in selecting a husband? (See "An Ideal Husband", NY Times, 7/6/08.) What does he know about women, and how did he gain such rare wisdom?
His expertise, at least expertise sufficient to impress Maureen Dowd, comes from decades of counseling couples who had miserable marriages. Therefore, he is actually an expert in how NOT to have a happy marriage. And, amazingly enough, he is parlaying these insights into a lecture series for young women on how NOT to pick a husband. He identifies traits to look for that signal big trouble. Avoid someone with these negative qualities and, hopefully those still standing will turn out. Sort of like believing that health is the absence of disease.
Why not offer advice about positive traits to look for? This might more directly lead to good husband prospects. How much fun can it be to search about for someone''s bad qualities that could lead to ruin? Maybe it''s all the same thing, I dunno. Seems an emphasis on the positive would be the better approach.
In any event, here are some things to avoid if you are a woman looking for a husband, according to the priest. All seem rather obvious - if you need a celibate priest who has never lived with a woman, let alone married one, to tell you this, you might be better off staying single. At least for a few more years as you gather up a requisite about of worldly wisdom.
* A guy who has no friends. Duh. Yes, and how about: "Be cautious about young men raised by wolves." (The howling at night can be very annoying to neighbors.)
* Avoid guys who squander money. Yep, that''s a good one. Who would have guessed?
* No cheapskates.
* Watch out for spineless pushovers. Doormats are soon boring company.
* No Mama''s boys. (They might take Mom along on the honeymoon.)
* If humorless, take a pass. This is toxic.
* Avoid guys who can''t or won''t communicate. (Who knew feelings were important and worthy of addressing?)
* Guys who have to be "changed" in some major way (e.g., alcoholics needing reform).
* Guys from dysfunctional or other problem families, like being part of the Mafia.
Dowd suggests this list tends to eliminate everyone, proving that life is unfair. While life is really neither fair nor unfair (that''s a human construct we use to express the obvious - that there are no guarantees in nature that humans and other life forms will invariably experience justice and fairness), mate selection is an immense challenge. The odds of successful marriages are, however, somewhat better than your chances to win big in the average state-sponsored lottery, but not by a lot. You can improve your odds by looking for certain positive traits rather than negative ones. Also, use common sense if seeking advice on marriage - don''t look to someone who has never experienced anything like it.
(Naturally, there is a possibility that the priest has had all kinds of experiences with woman (and/or men, boys and who-knows-what) but if that is the case it was done against social norms and the rules of the cult/order/organization to which he pledged not to do these things, so that would disqualify him to give advice in itself. It''s not as if such things have never happened.)
You want to find a mate? Whether you or the other person you''re looking for is male or female, here are the basics:
* Find someone you like a lot, who is fun and practices a healthy lifestyle, has good values (the common decencies are embraced because they enrich life, not because he/she was told that these rules were divinely ordained) and has promise of being able to carry his/her share of responsibilities.
* Make sure there are common interests and a few shared passions.
* Go for an extended test ride before buying. That is, try living together for a while before making things legal and thereby difficult and expensive to end. How long? That's kind of an individual thing but I suggest no less than five years.
* Don't look for someone to marry at all. A good match, when/if it happens, is a bit like happiness: It ensues from being out there being yourself, it does not often result from the pursuit of such.
Of course, it's good to get lots of advice from friends and others, even someone who has no experience at marriage, but you would not want to rely too much on the latter source. Especially if all the resulting advice is about the kind of person NOT to marry. After all, you're not looking for someone NOT to marry - they're everywhere. You want to identify candidates TO marry. For that, always look on the bright side.
Good luck.
His expertise, at least expertise sufficient to impress Maureen Dowd, comes from decades of counseling couples who had miserable marriages. Therefore, he is actually an expert in how NOT to have a happy marriage. And, amazingly enough, he is parlaying these insights into a lecture series for young women on how NOT to pick a husband. He identifies traits to look for that signal big trouble. Avoid someone with these negative qualities and, hopefully those still standing will turn out. Sort of like believing that health is the absence of disease.
Why not offer advice about positive traits to look for? This might more directly lead to good husband prospects. How much fun can it be to search about for someone''s bad qualities that could lead to ruin? Maybe it''s all the same thing, I dunno. Seems an emphasis on the positive would be the better approach.
In any event, here are some things to avoid if you are a woman looking for a husband, according to the priest. All seem rather obvious - if you need a celibate priest who has never lived with a woman, let alone married one, to tell you this, you might be better off staying single. At least for a few more years as you gather up a requisite about of worldly wisdom.
* A guy who has no friends. Duh. Yes, and how about: "Be cautious about young men raised by wolves." (The howling at night can be very annoying to neighbors.)
* Avoid guys who squander money. Yep, that''s a good one. Who would have guessed?
* No cheapskates.
* Watch out for spineless pushovers. Doormats are soon boring company.
* No Mama''s boys. (They might take Mom along on the honeymoon.)
* If humorless, take a pass. This is toxic.
* Avoid guys who can''t or won''t communicate. (Who knew feelings were important and worthy of addressing?)
* Guys who have to be "changed" in some major way (e.g., alcoholics needing reform).
* Guys from dysfunctional or other problem families, like being part of the Mafia.
Dowd suggests this list tends to eliminate everyone, proving that life is unfair. While life is really neither fair nor unfair (that''s a human construct we use to express the obvious - that there are no guarantees in nature that humans and other life forms will invariably experience justice and fairness), mate selection is an immense challenge. The odds of successful marriages are, however, somewhat better than your chances to win big in the average state-sponsored lottery, but not by a lot. You can improve your odds by looking for certain positive traits rather than negative ones. Also, use common sense if seeking advice on marriage - don''t look to someone who has never experienced anything like it.
(Naturally, there is a possibility that the priest has had all kinds of experiences with woman (and/or men, boys and who-knows-what) but if that is the case it was done against social norms and the rules of the cult/order/organization to which he pledged not to do these things, so that would disqualify him to give advice in itself. It''s not as if such things have never happened.)
You want to find a mate? Whether you or the other person you''re looking for is male or female, here are the basics:
* Find someone you like a lot, who is fun and practices a healthy lifestyle, has good values (the common decencies are embraced because they enrich life, not because he/she was told that these rules were divinely ordained) and has promise of being able to carry his/her share of responsibilities.
* Make sure there are common interests and a few shared passions.
* Go for an extended test ride before buying. That is, try living together for a while before making things legal and thereby difficult and expensive to end. How long? That's kind of an individual thing but I suggest no less than five years.
* Don't look for someone to marry at all. A good match, when/if it happens, is a bit like happiness: It ensues from being out there being yourself, it does not often result from the pursuit of such.
Of course, it's good to get lots of advice from friends and others, even someone who has no experience at marriage, but you would not want to rely too much on the latter source. Especially if all the resulting advice is about the kind of person NOT to marry. After all, you're not looking for someone NOT to marry - they're everywhere. You want to identify candidates TO marry. For that, always look on the bright side.
Good luck.
